Each year around Christmas, I scroll through the contacts on my mobile device. I start with the “A’s” and swipe up with a motion that resembles French royalty dismissing servants. With each passing swipe and name I ask a simple question; “Do you add value to my life?” When the answer is “no”, the name is deleted, and soon forgotten.
Those who remain get this message. By that reasoning, if you are reading this, you add some kind of value to my life, and you are, in turn, valued. Each year, the list of names deleted increases, and the number of people who receive the message decreases. But not this year! This year we have some additions. We have a net gain. And it’s these first time recipients that I would like to address...
Instagram “models”. Please stop posting pics of yourself in your underwear, holding an empty frypan, over an unlit stove, accompanied by the caption, “breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Lol”. We all know what you’re doing. Stop it! You think breakfast is “important”, you know what else is important? A modicum of self respect, and possibly getting a job.
The cranky old lady at the post office. I apologise if my mere presence is an inconvenience to you. I just figured since I needed to send a parcel interstate, and you work for Australia Post, you might be able to shed some light on the topic. My mistake! By the way, Your exaggerated huffing and puffing makes you sound like some kind of farm animal. Cut it out!
To those who have accused me of being a misogynist. Once and for all, I’m in fact, a person who believes in equality for all, and a very modern man. For example, I have no issue running to the shops to buy tampons for my lady. But clearly there’s no pleasing you, because apparently, “they’re not a proper Christmas present !”
The police officer who pulled me over for speeding. I’m very pro police, and I have no issue with you doing your job. I was breaking the law and accept the consequences. BUT! Your question; “do you have any idea how fast you were going?” is simply unnecessary. I certainly do. There’s a dial on my dashboard that indicates the speed at which the car is travelling. I suspect it’s fairly accurate. Does your car not have one?
The young lady who works behind the counter at Donut King, who asked me if I’d like a box of “donut holes” for two dollars. I will explain this again, as you seemed a tad confused the first time. A hole is the absence of mass. If I were indeed to buy a box of donut holes, I should expect the box to be empty. What you are in fact selling, are donut plugs! Not holes. PLUGS! Please pass this on to management.
The gentleman who uttered the following... “we worked you out, mate”.
Sir, in this order; fuck off, eat shit, learn some humility.
The same two friends who incessantly ask me, every Christmas, if I’d like to go camping. The reason I work is so that I don’t have to sleep outside. I google mapped “up the bush” by the way. It’s not even a place! The only reason I’d spend “four days up the bush” would be because I’ve been murdered and that’s where the killer dumped my body. And If it’s so “awesome” sleeping outside “under the stars”, why are all the fucken bugs always trying to get in my house ?!
The person who’s in charge of daylight savings. Why is this still a thing?! Seriously. Who is this for, and how does it help?! Conventional wisdom, and a common misconception has been that it benefits farmers. Not true. First of all, cows and sheep don’t give a shit what time it is, because they’re COWS AND SHEEP! Truth is, Daylight savings originated during World War One. That’s right, WWI. It was introduced as a “fuel saving” exercise by the German military. So the reason I lose an hour’s sleep, have to shield my eyes from the sun at 8:30pm, and am forced to work out how to change the fucken clock on my microwave, is because , 101 years ago, Kaiser Wilhelm wanted to cut costs. The proven benefits of Daylight savings are ZERO. So if it doesn’t help us, and it doesn’t help the stoopid cows, I must ask, what is the fucking point?!
To the current crop of unwashed protesters making a nuisance of yourselves in Melbourne. Disrupting the lives of decent, hard working folks, causing traffic mayhem, screaming into the face of police officers, and chanting your surface level, idiotic slogans, does not endear me to your cause. Ironically, the people you stop from going to work are the same people who pay the taxes that fund your lazy, entitled, whiny existence. Forget fossil fuels, you’re the real pollution. By the way, the CBD is literally a city of concrete, tar, glass, and steel. You’re too late!
To everyone who loses their fucken mind during the six days between Christmas Day and New Year’s Day. The lost ones. The confused ones. The ones who ask questions they would NEVER ask during the other 359 days of the year...
“Can I make ANOTHER left over turkey sandwich?”
“Have the sales started?”
“Is there mail today?”
“When do the fireworks start?”
“Is Coles open today?”
“What time is the Ten Commandments on tv?”
“Can we park here?”
“Is Wednesday an actual holiday?”
And my favourite...
“Can you believe it’s new year’s eve already?!”
Yes! Yes I can! Because we’ve had ALL THE OTHER DAYS THIS YEAR. That’s how the calendar works, peanut!
Please stop panicking. How long do you need to be on earth before you understand how this all works?!
Finally. To everyone else reading this. Learn to trust, believe in, and embrace the things you know to be true, and remember that worry and anxiety are just liars! Til next year (if you make the cut)...
Merry Christmas ! - Sun Ra
